


Freeze Your Brain

by carpcatfish, jogheance



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: AMAZING AU, Alternate Universe - Heathers, Galra Keith (Voltron), Heathers - Freeform, JD keith, M/M, Mess, Read, klance, veronica Lance, we love you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 04:45:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10756977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpcatfish/pseuds/carpcatfish, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jogheance/pseuds/jogheance
Summary: Literally nonsensical, mildly langsty Heather AU with Lance as our beautiful protagonist.





	Freeze Your Brain

[LANCE spoken]  
September 1st, 2059  
Dear Diary:  
I believe I'm a good person. You know, I think that there's good in everyone, but—here we are! In the ship of lions, Space... ! And uh... I look around at these kids that I've known all my life and I ask myself—what happened?

[GALRA, sung]  
Freak! Slut! Fifth Wheel! Poser! Lard Ass!

[LANCE]  
We were so tiny, happy and shiny  
Playing tag and getting chased

[GALRA]  
Freak! Slut! Loser! Shortbus!

[LANCE]  
Singing and clapping, laughing and napping  
Baking cookies, eating paste

[GALRA]  
Bull-dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!

[LANCE]  
Then we got bigger, that was the trigger  
Like the Galra invading Altea

(spoken)  
Oh, Sorry!

(sung)  
Welcome to my school, this ain't no high school:  
This is the space war zone!

Hold your breath and count the days, we're going home soon

[GALRA]  
White trash!

[LANCE]  
Cuba will be paradise, if I'm not dead so soon!

But I know, I know, life can be beautiful  
I pray, I pray for a better way  
If we stayed back then, we can go home again  
We can be beautiful...

[A PREPPY GALRA knocks a HIPSTER PIDGE to the floor.]

[HIPSTER PIDGE, spoken]  
Ow!

[LANCE sung]  
Just not today

(spoken)  
Hey, are you okay?

[HIPSTER PIDGE, spoken]  
Get away, nerd!

[LANCE spoken]  
Oh, okay

[GALRAS, sung]  
Freak! Slut! Cripple! Homo! Homo! Homo!

[LANCE]  
Things will get better soon as my lion  
Takes me home; to paradise,  
Wake from this coma, take my bayard  
Then I can blow this (Castle) Ship

Dream of sandy-covered feet and salty ocean waves

[LANCE jostles ZARKON.]

[ZARKON, spoken]  
Watch it!

[LANCE]  
Fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze!

[ZARKON upends LANCE'S will to live.]

[ZARKON, spoken]  
Ooooops

[LANCE spoken]  
King Zarkon. Third billonth year as an emperor and eighth billion year of taking lives and being a huge dick

[ZARKON, spoken]  
What did you say to me, skank?

[LANCE spoken]  
Aah, nothing!  
[LANCE] [GALRA]

But I know, I know... I know, I know...  
Life can be beautiful Beautiful  
I pray, I pray I pray, I pray  
For a better way For a better way  
We were kind before; Oooh...  
We can be kind once more Oooh...  
We can be beautiful... Oooh... Beautiful...

 

[HUNK approaches.]

[LANCE spoken]  
Agh!... Hey Hunk

[HUNK, spoken]  
Hey

[HUNK helps LANCE pick his will to live.]

[LANCE spoken]  
Hunk Garret. My best friend since diapers

[HUNK, spoken]  
We on for movie night?

[LANCE spoken]  
Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail

[HUNK, spoken]  
I rented "Star War"

[LANCE spoken]  
Ho-ho-ho, again? Wait, don't you have it memorized by now?

[HUNK, spoken]  
What can I say? I'm a sucker for a unending ending!

[SENDAK, spoken]  
Hunk Garret! Wide load! Honnnnnk!

[COMMANDER SENDAK knocks the tray from MARTHA'S hands.]

[SENDAK, spoken]  
Hahaaa!

[LANCE spoken]  
Commander Sendak. Asshole. He is the smartest guy on the Galra forces. Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf

[SENDAK, spoken]  
Haha! Alriiight!

[LANCE spoken (furious, to SENDAK)]  
Hey! Stop that! Right now!

[SENDAK, spoken]  
I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

[LANCE spoken]  
Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives you the right to hurt my friends. You're an insufferable murderous prick. A future grave on the war casualties. 

[SENDAK, spoken]  
...You have a zit right there...

[SENDAK and GALRA laugh]

[LANCE spoken]  
Dear diary:

(sung)  
Why....

[PIDGE]  
Why do they hate me?

[ANON ALIEN]  
Why don’t I fight back?

[SENDAK]  
Why do I act like such a creep?

[LANCE]  
Why…

[HUNK]  
Why won’t she date me?

[ZARKON]  
Why did I hit him? Ahaha SYKE! 

[STONER ALIEN CHICK, SHIRO & BLOW-DRIED ALIEN]  
Why do I cry myself to sleep?

[LANCE]  
Why…

[GALRA]  
Somebody hug me!  
Somebody fix me!  
Somebody save me!

[GALRA & LANCE]  
Send me a sign, God!  
Give me some hope, here!  
Something to live for!

[The three HEATHERS enter.]

[GALRA]  
Ahh! Heather, Heather, and Heather!

[LANCE spoken]  
And then there's the Heathers. They float above it all

[GALRA]  
I love Heather, Heather, and Heather  
[LANCE spoken] [KIDS]  
Heather Shay, head cheerleader. Her dad is loaded—he sells Ship crystals.  
I hate Heather, Heather, and Heather

Heather Nyma, runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants.  
I want Heather, Heather, and Heather  
And Heather Allura, the Almighty  
She is a mythic bitch. I need Heather, Heather—  
[LANCE spoken]  
They're solid Teflon—never bothered, never harassed  
I would give anything to be like that

[GALRA]  
Mmmm...

[PIDGE, spoken]  
I'd like to be their friend 

[GALRA]  
That would be beautiful...  
Mmmm...

[STONER ALIEN CHICK, spoken]  
If I sat at their table, guys would notice me

[GALRA]  
So beautiful...  
Ooooh...

[HUNK, spoken]  
I'd like them to be nicer

[GALRA]  
That would be beautiful...  
Ooooh...

[SPACE MICE, spoken]  
I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats

[LANCE enters the training room. HEATHER ALLURA and SHAY are watching HEATHER NYMA collapse from exhaustion.]

[HEATHER ALLURA, spoken]  
Grow up, Heather. Exhaustion is so '87.

[HEATHER SHAY, spoken]  
Maybe you should see a doctor, Heather

[HEATHER NYMA, spoken]  
Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should

[SHIRO, spoken]  
Ah, Heather and Heather

[HEATHER NYMA is just on the floor.]

...and Heather. Perhaps you didn't hear the alarm over all the fooling around. You're late to saving the world

[LANCE scribbles on a piece of paper.]

[HEATHER ALLURA, spoken]  
Heather wasn't feeling well. We're helping her

[SHIRO, spoken]  
Not without a hall pass, you're not. Week's detention (you'll only eat goo, be glad this is only a drill)

[LANCE spoken]  
Um, actually, Shiro, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee

[SHIRO, spoken]  
...I see you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going, to your jobs. 

[HEATHER ALLURA, spoken]  
This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?

[LANCE spoken]  
Uh... Lance McClain. I crave a boon

[HEATHER ALLURA, spoken]  
What boon?

[LANCE spoken]  
Um. Let me home, please. Just once. No talking necessary. If I go back to see my family for a little while, then they'll leave me alone...

[HEATHERS laugh]

Before you answer, I also do reports, sarcasm, and fake love letters

[HEATHER NYMA, spoken]  
How about prescriptions?

[HEATHER ALLURA, spoken]  
Shut up, Heather

[HEATHER NYMA, spoken]  
Sorry, Heather

[HEATHER NYMA inspects LANCE'S face.]

[HEATHER CHANDLER, spoken]  
For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure

[HEATHER SHAY, spoken]  
And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves. That's very important

[HEATHER NYMA, spoken]  
Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds

[HEATHER CHANDLER]  
And ya know, ya know, ya know?  
This could be beautiful  
Mascara, maybe some lip gloss  
And we're on our way  
Get this boy some blush;  
And Heather, I need your brush  
Let's make him beautiful

[HEATHER MCNAMARA]  
Let's make him beautiful...

[HEATHER DUKE]  
Let's make him beautiful...

[HEATHER CHANDLER]  
Make him beautiful...

(spoken)  
Okay?

[LANCE spoken]  
Okay!

[Another day, another hellish lunch.]

[SENDAK]  
Out of my way, geek!

[BELEAGUERED ALIEN GEEK]  
I don't want trouble—

[ZARKON]  
You're gonna die at 3pm!

[ANON ALIEN & NEW WAVE GIRL]  
Don't you dare touch me! Get away, pervert!

[BELEAGUERED ALIEN GEEK]  
What did I ever do to them?

[GALRAS]  
Who could survive this?  
I can't escape this!  
I think I'm dying!

[SHIRO]  
Who's that with Heather?

[THE HEATHERS enter again...]

[GALRAS, spoken]  
Whoa

(sung)  
Heather, Heather, Heather...

[NEW WAVE ALIEN GIRL]  
And someone!

[GALRA]  
Heather, Heather, Heather...

[LOTOR]  
And a babe!

[GALRA]  
Heather, Heather, Heather...

[HUNK, spoken]  
Lance?!

[GALRA]  
Lance? Lance? Lance?!

[THE HEATHERS part, revealing a smoking hot LANCE who has been given a make-over.]  
[LANCE] [KIDS]  
And you know, you know, you know  
Ooohhhh!  
Life can be beautiful Aaahhh! Beautiful!  
You hope, you dream, you pray Ooohhhh!  
And you get your way! Aaahhh!  
Ask me how it feels Beautiful!  
Lookin' like hell on wheels... Ooohhhh!  
My God, it's beautiful! Aaahhh! Beautiful!  
I might be beautiful... Beautiful!  
And when you're beautiful...  
Aaahhh!  
[LANCE]  
It's a beautiful frickin' dayyy!

[KIDS]  
Heather! Heather! Heather! Lance!  
Heather! Heather! Heather! Lance!  
Lance! Lance! Lance!  
Lance-eee-aaa!


End file.
